Monty Hoofton's Galloping Circus by paxtofettel
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(The camera is looking at the edge of a small forest in the middle of the countryside. Nothing happens until an elderly looking stallion with tattered clothing and a long white beard stumbles out of the tree line. The pony continues to trot towards the camera until he stops. He raises his front legs into the air, stands up on his hind legs and says: "IT'S….")

Monty Hoofton's Galloping Circus!

Sketch: Rarity hates Spam.

Saturdays in Ponyville were always so very quiet and peaceful. Most ponies were either at their home relaxing their muscles after a hectic week or enjoying themselves at the many fine eateries the small town had to offer. In fact, after this story, why not go down to Sugarcube Corner for some of their delectable pastries or to Sweet Apple Acres for their juicy, freshly picked ap……CRASH!!

We do hereby apologize for the small interruption in the story. The author responsible has been sacked and banished to the moon. The story will now continue as planned.

Mind you, those apples are really delicio...*SHOT*

We apologize again for the continuing interruptions. The ponies responsible for sacking the author, who has now been shot through the head, have now been sacked and banished to the moon. The story shall now be completed at the last minute and at great expense with a new author.

Our story begins with two figures walking up the street to a small, secluded building near the edge of town. It was a plain structure, almost indistinguishable to the other buildings in Ponyville. The only thing that set it apart from the others was a small wooden sign at the front with the name "Yellow Colt Café" engraved on it. Rumor had it that this particular café had just appeared out of nowhere just a few days ago. As such, no ponies were seen going inside the mysterious place, except for the two that were only recently introduced into this story. These two were a special couple of ponies; well, one at least.  He...She, sir...I mean, SHE was a unicorn fashion expert with a brilliant white coat with and equally majestic purple mane…I really like her maneSHUT IT!!

Oh, blast it all, where was I? You were about to introduce the readers to the other one. Ah yes, thank you: The other one was not a pony at all. In fact, he was a dragon, a small one at that. His scales were of a deep purple colour that was not quite dissimilar to the gorgeous unicorn's mane. The dragon's back was adorned with bright green spikes that reached down all the way to his pointed tail.

"Spike, I really must thank you for inviting me to this new place in town" said the unicorn mare while nuzzling the dragon's, who apparently is called Spike, cheek. The small reptile…I thought he was a dragon…Well a dragon IS a reptile, now can you please let me tell the bloody story? Anyway, the small reptile felt a blush creep into his cute purple face.

"Aw gee Rarity, it's nothing. I just wanted to make up for the whole 'turning into a greedy adult dragon, ponynapping you, destroying half of Ponyville and almost getting us both killed in the process' incident," said Spike, rubbing the back of his spiky head with one of his claws. Rarity giggled at the memory of said "incident" and nuzzled his cheek once more…D'aaawww…Do you want me to shoot you through the face like the last author? No, then SHUT UP!!

"My dear Spikey-Wikey, why do you still fret over that? It wasn't your entire fault; you were just merely experiencing maturity. Everypo…Err, dragon goes through that," she explained, "besides, I have already forgiven you for that."

The miniscule reptile…dragon…dragon stroked the mare's cheek with his claw, relishing the softness of her coat. "I know, but I still feel bad about the whole thing. Besides, Twilight gave me the day off, so what better way to spend the day than going out to eat with a lovely mare like you" Spike said, standing on his tippy claws to plant a warm kiss on Rarity's cheek.

She giggle and felt a warm blush creep into her face, "Oh Spike, I never knew you were such a gentledragon. Come, I'm getting rather famished." They finally reached their destination and after entering the café, both were greeted with a most unusual sight. Inside, there were these strange creatures that neither Rarity nor Spike have ever seen. They stood on their hind legs and were lacking a tail. Their faces were covered in dirt and grime which made Rarity gasp in terror. They were clad in heavy cloaks and upon their heads were strange horned helmets. On top of that, they reeked awfully. In fact, they smelled like my grandmother's cooking. Well, maybe it wasn't that bad, but I find that it was more or less similar and…

"GET ON WITH IT!"

Ah yes, forgive me Princess Luna. Anyway, both Spike and Rarity were utterly astounded by the creatures that stood before them.

"What are those things?" asked the posh unicorn, covering her hose with her hoof in an effort to block the reek that was emanating from the tall monsters.

"I think I saw something about them in one of Twilight's books. 'Hyoo-mans', I think they were called" explained Spike. He soon began pointing at an empty table near the door, "Look, let's sit there."

They took their seat when suddenly, a shrill, grating, awful noise filled the air, "MORNIN'." The sound came from the mare at the register, an elderly earth pony wearing a dirty apron. Spike managed to recover from the shock of the horrible call and turned to the register pony.

"Morning, whatcha got?" asked Spike, secretly hoping that they served gems (he did love gems so very much).

The old mare snorted and turned to the menu on the wall next to her, "Well, there's hay and daisies. Uh, hay, roses, and daisies. Hay and Spam. Hay, daisies, and Spam. Uh, hay, daisies, roses, and spam. Spam, daisies, roses, and Spam. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam. Or, a nice garden salad with Celestia dressing, apple cuts, and Spam," she called out in her nails on a chalkboard voice.

Rarity turned towards the loud owner, "Oh dear, have you anything that doesn't have any Spam?" she asked. The register mare let out another snort, "Well there's Spam, hay, roses, and Spam. That's not got much Spam in it." she stated.

Spike saw Rarity put on a look of annoyance, "But I don't want any Spam. I find it absolutely revolting," she complained.

"Maybe we should find another place to eat, Rarity," said Spike in an effort to diffuse this tense situation. As he was about to get up from his chair, he saw her hoof being raised. "No Spike, it's all right. You went through all the effort to bring me here and it would just be terrible of me to not accept it."

She turned to the pony at the register, "Now can I have hay, daisies, Spam and roses without the Spam." The pony shot her a look of disgust and let out a screechy "EUGH!"

Rarity looked flabbergasted, "What do you mean 'EUGH'? I don't like Spam!"

Suddenly, the entire room was filled with the bombastic voices of the "hyoo-mans" singing "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spammity, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam. Spammity-Spam, Wonderful Spam." They were soon silenced by the angry yells of the register mare and the banging of a wooden spoon on the coffee maker.

"Bloody Northmen. Anyways, you can't have hay, daisies, Spam, and roses without the Spam?" she explained in her awful, evil, terrible…We get it, her voice is annoying…Uh, right.

Rarity looked both confused and angry, "And why not?" The earth pony gave out a third snort and said, "Well it wouldn't be hay, daisies, Spam, and roses, would it?"

Rarity could not hold back her frustration any longer. "I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!" she screamed in utter rage. "Come on Spikey-Wikey, I don't want to be associated with this vile place any longer."

"Aww, but I wanted to try some of that Spam," muttered Spike. Soon the "hyoo-mans" began singing their Spam song but by the time they reached their smashing climax, Spike and Rarity were already out of the café and making their way to their respective homes.
Rarity looked over to Spike, "Spike my dear, I do apologize for the way I acted in there. I have zero tolerance for ponies with no class."

"Aw, don't worry 'bout it. You look rather cute when you get angry," Spike complimented. Rarity giggled and gave Spike a quick peck on his lips. Spike heart nearly burst from his chest.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Spikey-Wikey. Good night," Rarity said before trotting off to her boutique/home/amusement park ride. Spike merely stood there completely still.

"Yep, life is good," he said and he began walking to Twilight's library/home.

(As Spike walks home, the camera pans away towards the right. Soon, the shot focuses on an inconspicuous desk with a bunch of papers on top of it. Sitting behind the desk is a strange Pegasus with a yellow mane, grey coat, and crossed eyes)

"And now for something completely different," the mare says.

THE END.


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