Eldritch Sun by juicyauthor
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Once upon a time there was an ugly and stupid elf named Nissa. She was very ugly and stupid, so she went to live in Ravnica. Only, when she got there, there was a humming in the air, and everyone became mutated. Everyone was starting to manifest pavallion shapes on their bodies, especially those righteous enforcers known as the Boros Legion.

"What is going on?" she asked blandly Feather, who was exiled I mean dead.

"Shh, the seeds of Sunny D are rotten" she said evilly, her eyes turned pink and she started to send people to giant grape bowls, where they were stomped by angels until their blood came out to be used as wine.

"Oh no everyone is crazy now" said Nissa blandly, so she went to investigate.

Only, there were no clues. Instead there was lots of sunlight, sunlight that made it very hot, very thirsty... Suddenly Gideon appeared.

"I have never left Ravnica at all" he said masculinely and not snarkily like he used to.

"Oh Gideon, everyone is turning evil and mutant!" said Nissa, "Save us!"

So he went to investigate, and saw the sun. His eyes were burned by the UV radiation, and pavillion-shaped cancer with "M" written on it began forming in his face.

"I have an idea" he said, "Lets ask Domri!"

"Who is that?" asked Vraska from behind them.

Suddenly the sun began approaching the earth, and the mutations worsened. Everyone started to become indistinguishable from the scenery.

"I have an idea, you will fly to the sun and kill it!" said Gideon smartly.

He then shoved the surral in Vraska's chest and ripped her sternum off, taking out her lungs and placing them on her back.

"Fly, little eagle!" he shouted happily.

But she didn't fly, in fact she DEADED.

"Oh Gideon, what shall we ever do?" asked Nissa mindlessly.

But Gideon was too far gone, he had turned into a building. Meanwhile, the sun kept getting closer and closer, everything was part of Ravnica now. Nissa had an idea.

"Lets unmask the sun!" she said.

She then took out the sun's mask. It was...MANATARQUA!

"WTFK!?" asked Nissa angrily, "I thought you were dead!"

"NO, I pretended I was dead to fool the police!" said Manatarqua evilly, crying tears of Sunny D, "I did a spell and now I'm immortal forever. SAVE ME! But then I fell in love with the neowalkers, and I got my heart broken. You promised me Heaven, but you only gave me HELL!"

"No!" cried Nissa, "And where is Domri?"

"I ate him to absorb his powers. Now you will DIE!"

And Manatarqua used Domri's powers. To her surprise, however, they were completely useless.

"No!" she cried evilly, but it was too latte.

Because the sun was no longer in the sky, a black hole appeared. It sucked Manatarqua and Nissa into it, and they couldn't planeswalk anymore because of gravity. It was the size of a dove, so it took four days for the whole of them to be utterly destroyed. First the skin ripped off, then the bones broke, then the blood was sucked into it, then the lungs, then the spleen, then the kidneys were evaporated into purple mist, then necrosis fluids pool in the remaining organs and liquified them. It was a horrible spectacle of flesh, blood and sadness, that lead to a slow and agonising death.

Finally, by the fourth day, the shoes were sucked into it, and nobody heard from either character ever again.

Amen.


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