Machamp Loses His Virginity to an Alicorn OC by Git_Tirekt_m8
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A/N: 11/8/16


"Can't believe this still gets views..."

- A concerned author

Once upon a time... no, fuck it, here’s what’s going down-a shitty Alicorn OC terrorized Ponyville and the Mane Six summoned Machamp from an alternate universe to fight it. That’s pretty much it, my disdainful friends... What? You wanted to see more of this crap? Well fine, jeez, way to make me feel like pony nuggets... Here it is then!


Blackie-yeah that’s the OC’s name-soared down from the sky, using his OP magic against the nearly-defenseless town of Ponyville. He shot icicles from his broken-yet-fully-functional horn and froze the streets solid with his fire magic. Blackie soon skated across the ice he had baked up, shouting “Let it go!” and materialized a hockey stick from literally nowhere. Using it, he smacked around the pony-pucks that were franticly skittering about on the icy slabs that were once their roads.


He moved towards the marketplace, using the stick to knock the ponies around into the stands like a game of Pony Pinball. All the while he’d shoot flames up, and they’d return to the ground as snowflakes.


“B-but, I reckon that’s not even possible!” a townsfolk yelled in confused panic.


“What did you say Nigga!” Blackie impersonated in anger.


The pony gulped as Blackie soon materialized a baseball bat. He charged up his strike and hit the pony so far, it broke the record he’d made during the Home Run Contest in Melee. Blackie smirked and squinted, watching the pony fly off towards Canterlot. The figure of his victim shrunk to the size of a dot, then to nothing.


Then suddenly, one of the towers in Canterlot leaned a little-then fell over completely. One could see a massive debris cloud in the distance.


“Pfft-ahahaha!” he burst out laughing, “happy trails, pardner!”


Thinking of the atrocity he’d just made, he snorted obnoxiously.


“Y-you! Do you have any concern for anypony’s safety, you monster!” a mare barked whilst stumbling, trying her hardest to stand up on the slippery ice.


“Oh, I’m concerned... but not really,” Blackie added, charging up a spell from his non-existent horn.


He lowered his head in the direction of the mare, watching her cower and fall with all forelegs outstretched. A flamethrower erupted from the hole of his shattered horn, consuming her in red fire. When he stopped, she was nothing more than a solid statue of ice. Blackie then levitated the frozen pony, snapping her off from the ice she was already laying on, and tossed her like a ninja star through a row of cottages. Each time she’d smash through a house, the crit sound effect from Team Fortress 2 would play. Above each house, it displayed his damage: 999.


“Damn,” he muttered to himself, “I should’ve enabled my Limit Breaker...”


Blackie then flew off towards town hall, with the intention of making a throne there. In a short while, the remaining Mane Six gathered at Twilight’s library. Obviously, it was before Tirek went ape-shit and rekt it.


“Alright, girls,” Twilight stated, “let’s-um... where’s the rest of our friends?”


“Well...” Rainbow Dash began, “Pinkie got frozen playing on the ice, Fluttershy locked herself in her cottage, and I don’t know where Applejack is!”


Twilight’s face grew grim at the news. She turned to Rarity, who was the only other pony besides Rainbow Dash to show up.


“Rarity, do you have any idea where Applejack might be?” Twilight asked, the concern on her tone apparent.


“Sorry Twilight, dear, I haven’t seen her at all since that ruffian showed up...” Rarity replied.


Twilight looked down, worried for her friend’s safety. Rarity walked up to her, placing a hoof on her side to comfort her. During this, Rainbow hovered up to a window for a better view outside.


“I’m sure Applejack is doing just fine,” Rarity assured Twilight, “she’s probably home with the rest of her family.”


“Sorry to interrupt, but we do have an evil pony to deal with,” Rainbow Dash said bluntly, peering over her shoulder at the two.


Rarity looked back at her, “Rainbow Dash, that is quite rude of-”


“No, we need to do something about him right away,” Twilight added, “maybe we could reason with him? Hmm, we could approach peacefully and-”


“We don’t have time to reason, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash cut in, again, “If you haven’t noticed, he froze half of Ponyville, it’s a complete disaster!”


“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said hesitantly, “he did freeze our town, not to mention Pinkie... Besides, have you seen his coat colors? It’s simply appalling, I tell you!”


Both ponies raised their eyebrows at Rarity’s last comments. Realizing her own implications to pony racism, she nervously coughed.


“Oh, forget everything I said...!” Rarity murmured.


“Right, then... I’m going to go find Spike,” Twilight continued, “I need to write a few letters to the Princess, she’s bound to know a solution to this.”


The purple unicorn trotted quickly upstairs, levitating a few rolls of blank parchment and an inked quill behind her. Rarity began pacing around, trying to find an activity to do while she waited. A flash of blue light rattled both of the remaining ponies, accompanied with a thundering sound, and they looked at each other for a brief moment. Rainbow Dash gazed back out the window to see whatever caused the bright light.


“He’s at town hall!” she said, astonished by the lightshow of OP magic emanating from the structure.


She watched as the entire roof of the building collapsed in icy flames. Many of the ponies who had taken refuge there were thrown out from the gaping hole at the top. As they were flung away, a deep voice quaked across the town.


“No, no, no! Not in my house, Hahahaha!” it exclaimed.


“That’s it, I’m not waiting any longer, somepony needs to end this now!” Rainbow Dash blurted out.


She reared up, preparing to barge out the door. Rarity quickly blocked her path, much to the dismay of the cyan Pegasus.


“Where in Equestria do you think you’re going!?” Rarity demanded.


“Well, I don’t know, stop that guy from destroying any more of Ponyville than he already has!” she defended.


“What if Twilight and I need you when the Princess replies?”


Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and motioned closer to the door, attempting to pass Rarity.


Pfft, I can handle this myself...” she bragged.


Rarity, nudging her back, tried to respond, “But-”


Relax! I’ll be back shortly,” she continued, “it’s not like I can’t take him on.”


“On the contrary...” Rarity whispered under her breath.


Eventually, Rarity stood aside. Rainbow Dash nodded in silent acknowledgement then hurried by. The sky was stormy outside, full of flaming ice-thunder as well as the occasional pony ninja star crit-ing through the nearby homes. She grits her teeth, and then spread her wings to quickly take flight.


“You’re going down, whoever you are!” she proclaimed.


In that instant, Rainbow Dash immediately got struck by a bolt of lightning. It encased her in ice that soon fell to the ground, revealing she’d only moved about a yard from the library.


“Nope, I think not,” the loud and horribly inconsistent voice of Blackie boomed.


Rarity couldn’t help but face-hoof at the event. She grabbed Rainbow Dash with her magic and began dragging her back inside. She trailed across the patches of unfrozen dirt as Rarity struggled to bring her indoors. Finally, the white Unicorn was able to pull her friend to relative un-safety. The icy Pegasus tipped over onto her side, the determination still present on her face.


“Rarity, Rainbow Dash, I’ve received a message back from the Pri-” Twilight approached, halfway downstairs before noticing the Pony-Popsicle lying on her library floor.


“Sorry, Twilight, I insisted that she not go, but she was so content on facing that ruffian herself...”


Twilight let out a long groan in response.


“I guess I’ll fix this,” she spat, charging magic atop her horn, “stand back Rarity, this should only take a second.”


Twilight shot a beam of pure magic at Rainbow Dash, the energy and heat beginning to thaw her out. The ice evaporated directly into steam, warming the air whilst drifting away out an opened window... where it condensed back into water, then froze on the ground... SCIENCE! Once released from her icy fate, Rainbow Dash scurried around on the floor recovering her bearings.


“Ugh... w-what happened?” Rainbow Dash mumbled.


“What happened is that you-!”


“You got rekt, mate!” Blackie’s voice taunted across the skies, “I had to cool off your hot-head! Have a nice afternoon, good sir!”


Rainbow Dash growled, not like a dog, and was prepared to spring out the door again.


She did... and got immediately frozen again...


After a few more minutes of exactly the same thing as before, minus the bad puns and noobish internet insulting skills, Rainbow Dash sprawled out of the ice... again.


“That little...!” Rainbow Dash yelled, revving her body up to head outside... again.


“No, no, no, we are not doing that a third time!” Twilight broke out, holding Rainbow’s tail with her magic.


“Fine, I guess...” she yielded,” What did Celestia have to say, anyways?”


“Princess Celestia mentioned that such a pony is not even of this world,” Twilight explained, “and that the only solution would be to use a power from... something not of this world...”


Her confidence in Celestia’s solution was clearly visible, yet somehow in the words she had repeated, that began to falter.


“Uh, okay... what now?” A bewildered Rainbow Dash asked.


“Well, the Princess also revealed a location where such a power could be found,” Twilight added.


“And where would that be, huh?”


“She said it was at... Hayburger... I know, it’s odd, but I’m sure she knows what she’s talking about.”


“Darling,” Rarity entered in, “that sounds... awfully contrived...”


Twilight walked over to the window, which had been mentioned countless times before, and peered out at the town. Her eyes scanned the icy landscape in search for the restaurant. She could make out a sign some ways away, and then concluded her find. She gestured to her friends, pointing the directions to the point-of-interest.


“How are we supposed to get there?” Rainbow Dash asked, “The ground is pretty much still frozen... I mean I could go, but last time-”


Times!” Twilight corrected.


“Alright, the last times I had an issue!”


“Don’t worry, I’ll just thaw the ice as we walk,” Twilight suggested, “and if it worked on Rainbow Dash, it should work here!”


“Just try not to strain yourself, dear,” Rarity responded.


Twilight nodded and began charging up her magic once more. She started to release it slowly on the ground, watching it turn to steam, but it would condense and freeze again after she had ceased.


“We’ll need to move quickly,” She stated, “ready?”


“I’ve been ready, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash stated confidently.


With that, the ponies ran along the clear road Twilight had melted for them. Like before, there were bolts of lightning striking at them, though all seemed to just miss them. The closer they got to Hayburger, the more intense the assault became. The sweat on Twilight’s forehead trailed off and became a part of the frosty steam forming behind the group.


Finally, the group had made it to the site of Hayburger. The lightning had dwindled, until it disappeared completely. Suddenly, Blackie popped into existence before them. He simply appeared in the sky above them without any indication.


“Gah, freaking Fast-Travel, it took TEN MINUTES to move a few meters-I mean what the actual hell!” Blackie ranted, “On top of that, my attacks all missed because of the retarded AI I’ve left them with!”


“We’re here to put an end to all of this insanity, whoever you are!” Twilight proclaimed, albeit rather loudly, “The power in this spot will be enough to defeat you, once and for all!”


“Orly?” Blackie questioned.


In that instant, Blackie conjured a snowstorm that consumed the restaurant in flames. Hayburger instantly gibbed all over the place, the bloody chunks too low-res to be ponies-or part of the building for that matter. The only thing remaining of Hayburger was ash and bun cinders.


“Looks like you’ll need this, my friends,” Blackie laughed, tossing a green potion bottle at their hooves.


“What’s this?” Twilight asked, her voice becoming slightly weak.


“It’s good for treating burns, good sir!”


This time around, Rainbow Dash face-hoofed.


“You had to tell him, didn’t you, Twilight...” Rainbow Dash muttered.


There was the sound of rustling nearby, causing Blackie’s maniacal laughter to trail off into a crazed murmur. An arm rose from the ashes of Hayburger, then another... and another... and... another? In unison, they pressed against the burnt soil, which revealed a figure not unlike a bipedal beast. Once unearthed, the creature used its arms to brush away any lingering debris, revealing a teal-ish complexion.


Twilight and her friends couldn’t help but stare in confusion. Nopony among them could comprehend the feat of MLG Pro-ness that had bestowed itself upon them with its presence... at a burger joint... Rarity fainted from the pure epicness that had transpired.


“Hey, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash whispered, keeping her attention on the creature, “you sure this is what the Princess meant by that power?”


“Uh...” she said with a blank stare, mouth agape, “huh...?”


The creature grumbled, stumbling around the rubble. Blackie hovered near the scene, watching it as if it were a potential threat. It repeated a word over and over, seemingly trying to form a sentence.


“Bruh...” it coughed, “bro, ugh, is this the new gym or something?”


Twilight hesitantly trotted up to the creature, yet she was eager to learn about it.


“Um, hello?” she greeted, “M-my name’s Twilight Sparkle, are you here to help us out?”


“What, brah?” it said, turning to her, “Oh, sweet, walking protein!”


“Aah!” she recoiled.


Rainbow Dash swooped in and bucked it in its chiseled abs. The force was enough to stagger it back, almost depleting its health entirely, sending it in the on-one-knee stance from Skyrim.


“Back off, you... thing!” Rainbow Dash barked.


“Huff, you managed to knock me back, brah!” it stumbled, “I respect that, it shows you aren’t a scrub-or worse, a dirty little camper!”


“Uh... thanks?” she said.


“The name’s Machamp, brah,” he continued, “so you’re all a bunch of next-gen Pokémon or something? Brah, I’ll tell you this, no matter how shitty your design may be, if you’ve got the stats-!”


“I’mma let you finish,” Blackie intervened, “but first you must gtfo, mate!”


“Bruh, you’re no Kayne West,” Machamp stated, “you’d better not make me enable my hax, bro!”


Their argument went on for a bit as Rainbow Dash and Twilight stood by watching. The two ponies had no words for what bizarreness had been taking place. They took a few paces back, giving the two otherworldly beasts their space.


“Twilight, what is even happening anymore?” Rainbow Dash whispered.


“I have no idea...” she replied, “I wouldn’t question it for now, let’s just hope this Machamp fellow can save Ponyville...”

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