Date: 16 Sep 2013 10:41 AM Title: Chapter 1: the present
Okay... no offense meant by this but it needs some work. I'll keep it in bullet points...
1. Indent your paragraphs, even with double spacing this makes it a much easier read
2. Fluttershy is one word, don't adhere to microsoft word's spellcheck, especially not in fanfiction
3. Your actions have almost no feeling to them, you're listing them off without any adjectives involved, these are CRUCIAL
4. Simple but Gentle is redundant because the word "nudge" conveys that anyway. Most adverbs are pointless, make sure your verbs tell the whole message while focusing on description of the nouns.
5. Dialogue consists of its own paragraph. You can describe the mannerism of their movement while they speak and occasionally how they talk, but dont add setting in with speech.
6. Capitilization, beginning of sentances, names, and beginning of dialogue
7. Bears dont eat apples, ever. I know you can take some creativeness here but do at least some back research. Squirrells would be more believable.
8. Off* "Of my farm" doesnt make sense
9. Never use "Uh" in dialogue unless you're referring to a dopey sort of character. Shyness and hesitation is described with"Um"
Im sorry i dont have more time to help with this, and none of this is meant to be rude, but i want to help you with this as much as I can.
Author's Response: I know man plus I abandoned it so don't worry